To condemn or not to condemn? I begin by condemning Adam and Eve, Shah Rukh Khan…

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Dr Kouser Fathima

Every time one tries to say something on social media the first question thrown at you is: Did you ever condemn so and so person in the past? So, here I am trying to be fair and condemn all things past and present before I proceed further.

I start by condemning the first couple of mankind, Adam & Eve. Eve for forcing Adam to pluck the forbidden fruit and Adam for being bullied by his better half in doing so. Only if Eve had stuck to her diet, the story would have been different and all of us would have been tweeting from the paradise.

I also strongly condemn Newton. Had he not sat under an apple tree and had the apple not fallen on him, all the Newton’s Laws would have not existed to torment students. If only Newton had sat under a coconut tree, things would have been different.

Not to forget Einstein’s mom who believed in home schooling. If only Einstein had been sent to a proper school, the exams would have messed up his brilliant brain enough not to think of all the mathematical formulas.

I condemn all the past rulers and kings for all the wrong that they did and also for all the things done right. In the same spirit I would condemn all the politicians for what they have said and for what they didn’t. I condemn the writers who are returning their awards and also those who are not, and I especially condemn those who have not yet received awards. Come on guys hurry up, only if you have an award can you prove your stand by returning or not returning awards.

Why spare our movie stars? They should be the first one to be condemned, so let me start with my favourite Shah Rukh Khan. I condemn him for his initial days in Bollywood when we not only had to tolerate ‘k..k..k…kiran’ dialogues, but also for his ill-fitting suits and wacky hairstyle. Thank god, someone gave him the number of the stylist or else I can’t imagine him delivering those dialogues in ‘Don’ wearing those clothes.

I condemn Salman Khan for being so fit and starting this shirtless trend. He made a whole generation slog in the gym only to get those biceps. And now he is guilty of starring with heroines much younger than him, and the excited heroines are posting their birthday pictures where he is playing the doting uncle. The least he can do is delete these pictures before he romances with them on screen.

I condemn Aamir Khan for being perfect and for making us regularly wait one year for his one movie. Why can’t he work more and produce movies more frequently.

I condemn Naseerudin Shah, too. It’s because his wife’s comedy serial ‘Sarabhai vs Sarabhai’ went off air when we were getting hooked on to it. Only good comedy on TV and Naseer bhai was silent when it was discontinued. I condemn, I condemn.

I will not leave cricketers either. I condemn all the players who are on TV endlessly, endorsing soft drinks/fairness creams instead of concentrating on their game and also condemn those who have not managed to sign commercial deals. Wake up guys, there is more chance of you being remembered for the ad than for the number of sixes you have not hit.

I condemn the news reporters who try to put words in the mouths of our netas. They forget many already have their foot in their mouths. And those who don’t twist their words, hell, you think we are eager to hear the netas talk endlessly with no controversial statements.

I condemn those experts who everyday get shouted down on talk shows by rude anchors and also those experts who don’t go on talk shows as they are not brave enough to face the ever angry anchors.

Most importantly, I strongly condemn our neighbouring country, which is promoting terrorism and trying to destabilise our nation. Their singers and artist flock our nation for work/concerts and further divide our nation between those who want ‘Aman Ki Asha’ and those who don’t. And after all the dividing they even dared to send Veena Malik to the Bigg Boss house. Why can’t they have their own version?

Enough is enough. We as a nation should unitedly condemn them at all available platforms. We must pledge that we may forget our morning tea but never forget to condemn our shrewd neighbours.

My aim is to condemn all the things that need to be condemned and also the things that don’t, all things past, present and, to be on safer side, things that might happen in the future.

Great idea for all the start-up entrepreneurs: Why not design a condemnation app where people get updates on topics to be condemned daily and their condemnation saved, to be shown to anyone who questions them in future.

Lastly, I wouldn’t spare those who don’t publish this write up for not allowing me to express my views and also condemn the ones who will publish as the write-up may hurt the feelings of someone who has no sense of humour. Think, I have condemned enough to be eligible to raise my voice against anything I deem wrong.

Signing off with a pledge to condemn and be ready to be condemned.

(Editor’s note: The threat of condemnation by the author was too chilling for us not to publish this blog) 

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